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All I See is Fat! How Can I Be Hot & Sexy?

Chrystal Bougon

Posted on June 20 2015

bully self sign pinkSee if you can relate to my self-hating, self-loathing, “I’m a fraud” inner dialogue from tonight:

You tell me I am so sexy and beautiful on a daily basis, but all I see is fat.

You tell me I am so hot and smart, but all I see is fat.

You tell me you admire me and what I have created, but I doubt myself and all I see is fat.

You show me so much care, nurturing and love, but all I see is fat.

You give me a million compliments when I wear my lingerie for you and you give me so much confidence to flaunt my curves and yet, all I see is fat. Today. Not every day. But, today, that is all I can see and feel is how fat I am.

I must be some kind of fraud, right?  How can I help fat women to feel sexy and beautiful when some days I don’t see it in myself?

Tonight I was in my boutique ( where I sell plus size lingerie, btw) I saw myself in the security video camera and my first thought was “How can he see me as so sexy and hot?”   ugggggggg  CHRYSTAL – YOU KNOW BETTER was the second thing I thought.

Is he lying to me? How can he think all of this as hot and sexy? There’s just no way!

And that little breakdown lasted for about an hour tonight.  Like all of you, it is an internal dialogue I have with myself on occasion. I make shit up in my head about how I think he or others see me. It’s fucked up.

I mean, how many damn times do I need to hear it from him? I hear it constantly from him and from other people – but why can’t I believe it 100% of the time?

You know why? Because of bullies like the “Shitlord” of the Fat Hate Pages on Reddit who call me a “ham planet” or that I look like Barney. And because of the assholes on YouTube who anonymously Talk massive shit about my body and me. (ANONYMOUSLY! grrrr)

How come when I see all of these beautiful voluptuous, fat women in my store all decked out in our lingerie and I think they look stunning, but all I see is HOW FAT I AM.

My brain goes to these dark places because of the media and the fact that there are no fucking fat women portrayed as sexual/sexy women on t.v., magazines or movies.  Because the cute fat girl is always cast as the side kick or the jolly fat buffoon. (I know that is changing a little bit with Melissa McCarthy, Gabouray Sibiday, Mindy Kaling and Rebel Wilson – but let’s be honest – those magnificent women are not always cast as empowered, fully realized, sexual characters.)

Sidebar:  This is why I want to make my own T.V. Show about my customers and our journey! More info here if you click on this.

Like many of you, I receive so much love and support from my family and friends. I get so much love and support and crazy hot monkey love from my partner… but sometimes still… all I see is fat. (And, I know many of you don’t get the same kind of love and support I get from my family and I am sorry your family or friends are assholes. I know that has to make it all so much harder. I am really privileged in this way.)

I do feel like a fraud some days because it is my mission in life to make all women feel relevant, sexy, smart, valued and hot; but some days I can’t even do that for myself. And, my guess is that that IS the human experience.

So many of us are doubting and second guessing our bodies and our existence on a daily basis. Some of us have good days and great days and other days, we just feel like shit. Other days I feel like a fat, beautiful, smart, sexy bad ass body love warrior. And, praise Buddah for those great body love days.

Do we deserve to be seen? Do we deserve to find clothes that make us comfortable? Do we deserve to be comfortable when we fly on an airplane? Do we deserve a comfortable chair at a restaurant or at our doctor’s office? Do we deserve all of the pleasure our fat bodies can create? Do we deserve all of the dignity that someone who is a size 2 gets when we are size 22 or size 32. HELL YES!

When I have days like today, I remember that I CANNOT let the “body terrorists” win.

I have to get those old scripts out of my head and create a new one.

I am fortunate to have the coping skills now to shut down my inner mean girl pretty quickly, but that wasn’t always the case, ya know.  I am 47 now. I’ve had a lot of practice.

I wrote this tonight just to say I love you all. I do know how you feel. I have more awesome days loving my beautiful fat body than I do having days hating my fat body and for that I am grateful. If you have more bad than good, I hope my blog helps a little bit. I want to support you all every way I can.

If you have any feedback for me or you want to share your own fat coping skills here on my blog in the comments section – I want to remind you that you just never know who might read this and who you might touch with your comments or advice. So, please share.

You can share with us on Facebook or Instagram, too.  www.facebook.com/curvygirlinc or @curvygirllingerie on IG

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